Missionary …?
I have a diary from when I was 17 or 18 years old; it is a notebook of my hopes and dreams as a young Christian. And one of those dreams was to be a missionary.
We had just had a visiting speaker at our school’s Christian Union who spoke about his travels setting up mission stations, running Sunday schools, and converting people to Christianity. He was a very good speaker and my young heart burned with excitement at the possibility of also being God’s servant in far-away places. That night I wrote: “I am going to be a missionary, as I feel that is God’s calling for me …”
This was meant well, but it wasn’t long before I became discouraged. I soon found out that my way of “evangelising” needed a lot more depth than just good intentions.
I knew a lot of Bible verses and I could explain the promises that had been fulfilled from the prophets in the Old Testament – but I couldn’t stop losing my temper, feeling sorry for myself, getting upset, and thinking bitter and angry thoughts. I knew that living this way wasn’t what I read about in Acts and the rest of the New Testament. Despite all the knowledge that I had, I felt miserable and had no clear idea of what God actually wanted from me.
Close to home
Even though I thought I knew everything, God slowly drew me into a closer relationship with Him where I started to listen to Him and humble myself. But I still spent some time dreaming; I could still think of several things I could do very well in my local church.
The point I was so slow to understand was this: The body of Christ needs willing workers, but I can’t decide myself how God will use me – I can’t decide to be a hand when God needs me as a foot. I will not be of any use if I try to be something that God has not meant me to be. “But now God has placed the members, each one of them, in the body, just as He desired.” 1 Corinthians 12:18 (NASB).
In the end, I found my mission field to be closer to home, and having responsibility for children humbled me because I soon discovered how quickly my own nature could come up. But the important thing was that the path God had planned for me was in order to form me – the trials and disappointments that I faced taught me about my own life, and about God’s goodness.
It’s God who decides
God doesn’t need people that can see themselves as missionaries, or evangelists, or teachers. God Himself forms people into these roles. What God wants is that we are obedient to what He shows us and that we judge ourselves and resist sin. If we are in this process, then we become the sort of material that He can use – not before.
And when we live like this then something wonderful happens, even without us noticing. We get formed into something useful; we become His tools – willing to be picked up and used, but just as willing to be left quietly on the shelf if there is no immediate use for us.
One thing is for sure: whatever God’s plan for us is, as Christians who judge ourselves and keep our hearts pure, we are a constant force for the good within the body of Christ wherever we are, whatever we are.
“A heart at peace gives life to the body…” Proverbs 14:30 (NIV).