I hated my personality and I hated the way I acted around other people. I hated the way I did and said things. I wanted to bless the others; I wanted to be the kind of person that showed how good it is to be a Christian. But I couldn’t because I didn’t have the confidence; I didn’t think I was good enough. This stopped me from doing and saying things that God actually worked in me to do or say.
Without realising it, I was saying, “I disagree with God, who created all things, and who also created me.” He created me exactly as I am, with my personality, my gifts, and my looks; and I was basically saying that He created me wrong. When I realised this, I saw that it was actually sin to have these low and negative thoughts about how God had made me. It was unthankfulness, and unbelief that God had a perfect plan for me, just as He created me.
I read in God’s Word about the fruit of the Spirit, about love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control and I knew that this is what I truly wanted for my life.
An instrument in God's hands
I prayed to God that He would help me to see myself as He saw me. With His help I began an inner battle to overcome this unthankfulness within me – this sin, for it is sin to be unthankful for how God made me. Of course, God didn’t just take away all of these negative thoughts about myself. But when they came up then He gave me strength to fight them.
I held on to the verse in 1 Corinthians 6:20: “For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.” Each time I was tempted to have low, negative thoughts about myself, I said “No. God bought me at a price. He saw something of worth in me.” Having low self-esteem made me passive. These negative thoughts weren’t true, and stopped me from glorifying God in my body and my spirit, which are God’s.
Sinning brings unrest and misery. I experienced that myself. But when I overcome sin I can be at rest and have joy in my life. When I live an overcoming life I can be an instrument in God’s hands (Romans 6:13), and He can teach me and use me exactly as He wants.
